True Self

It is Friday September 11, 2009. I feel as if I am starting life anew. I am looking at the world from a fresh set of eyes. Eyes that have only seen blurriness the last week but are starting to clear up and the world is beginning to come into focus. It seems to me that it is only natural to feel as if I am restarting life, considering that prior to entering this E.D. program I was not living life. Nor was I feeling life. I was sheltering myself from reality and truth. I only allowed myself to focus on what wouldn't enter past my protective shell all the while believing that no one could tell it was there.

Reality came and struck me in the face this week. It felt like the slap that Cher gives to her boy toy in Moonstruck. She slaps him and then quips, "Snap out of it!" So I have snapped out of my false world of protection and have entered the very new and surreal world of feelings and truth, which is intimidating. In this new world of truth I am allowed to be myself, not the protected Tamara that everyone has seen previously. I feel more exposed than if I were to run through a mall naked. There is a rawness to allowing myself to fully express my true feelings, to allow myself to be open enough for people to see the real me.

When one allows this to happen doubts rush in like a flood. I have questions such as; "What if when they see the real me they no longer like who I am?", "What if they don't agree with how I'm feeling?" and "What if they don't believe me?" I have learned that if I allow these questions to dictate what I do then my life will never truly be mine because I will never be my true self.

The last 3 days I have pushed that wall down. I have revealed my true self. Was I ever surprised to learn that people liked me more. I was told I seemed more genuine, more authentic, more real. Because of that people wanted to reach out to me more and help me more. You could have knocked me over with a feather! To be accepted as I truly am with my feelings out in the open for all to see was scary yet comfortable at the same time. Sort of like when you watch a horror flick in your own home. You're as comfy as can be snuggled down in a blanket on the sofa and yet terrified as well for the dumb cheerleader who is entering the house without turning on the light. (Did I just relate myself to a dumb cheerleader?)

The last few days have seemed so surreal because everything is so very real. No longer are these blurry eyes trying to focus on just a few focal points but they are clear eyes looking at the world anew. Life right now is as if I'm a toddler. I relearning how to eat, think and feel; just like toddler. I'll say this, I would rather regress so that I can truly live life then push forward into my 34th year as hollow version of myself. So, I'll keep exposing the real me. I'll continue to allow my friends, family and new acquaintances to who the true Tamara is. As for running through the mall naked? I think I'll leave that for my dreams.