Benji

It is 1:00am. I am awakened yet again by the pain. The pain in my shoulder that with the aid of pain killers ebbs away but never truly diminishes. I stare at the ceiling, praying to God, the Divine Spirit and Mother Nature to please take away my pain. I think, "if I could just get past this shoulder pain then this eating disorder's gonna be a breeze to kick." I lay there. And I lay there until I realize that today is not the day that they are going to answer my call. Instead I start hearing someone, something calling my name, reaching out to me.

The way in which it calls out to me is filled with yearning, despair and grief. This voice calling out to me reaches to the depths of my soul. I can feel the sorrow from the roots of my hair to the very tips of my toes. It clutches my gut and clings on as if to say, "I'm not letting go. I cannot be alone. I've been with out you for far too long."

It is at this moment that I realize who this voice belongs to, it's my dear old arch nemesis, it's my partner in crime, it's...my eating disorder. His name is Benji. It seems as if Benji is here to win me back. He starts back in with the same old lines he always has: "I won't get out of control this time", "I never meant to hurt you", "You told me that we had fun together" and my favorite line of his, "Weren't you the one who told me that I understood you like no one else could?"

I feel myself freeze. I don't know what to do. I feel so weak against his constant barrage of comments. I know I don't want to go back to him but at the same time I have been mourning his vacancy in my life. I close my eyes. I inhale sharply. I push the air way down in my lungs like one does when trying to stop hiccups. I slowly, ever so slowly exhale. I start to open my eyes but they are weighed down with guilt. The most I can open them is just enough to look down at my feet. This guilt come with the terror of knowing that I am going to let Benji back in my life. The guilt is here because I am not strong enough to turn him away.

Benji whispers his secret soothing message to me. I know automatically what I must do. I pull back the covers. I sit up in bed, a task not easily performed with one shoulder down for the count. I delicately place my feet on the ground and stand up. Once again, I take a deep breath and push it down, this time it feels like I have pushed the breath all the way down to my toes. I begin my journey to my comfort zone. It is a well worn path and one I can travel with my eyes closed. It only takes 10 steps and the comfort zone is reached. It is in this comfort zone that I feel cocooned with love but also steeped in self hatred. The kitchen.

I reach up for my favorite binge item and make the journey back to the bedroom. I slowly, ever so carefully open the box and the bag inside; can't wake any one up. The fear of someone discovering what I'm doing is enormous. I reach in the box, grab a handful of cereal and stuff it in my mouth. I close my eyes expecting relief, heaven, soothing comfort. Instead the cereal, my favorite snack in the world, tastes like saw dust. I'm not giving up though because that hole has to be filled. I reach in again and again and again. The saw dust taste remains. Then I do something that amazes myself. I stop eating. Me. The over eater, the binger, I stop eating.

It is at this moment that I realize I have been duped yet again. Benji has swooped in, deceived me into believing him and he has hurt me once again. Why would this time have been any different. He's never done anything but hurt me. I close the box of cereal. This doesn't shut him up. I confidently walk back to the kitchen and place what was once my favorite snack food back in the cupboard. Benji is louder than ever before.

I walk back to the bedroom all the while Benji is screaming at me. Yelling at me. Telling me what a failure I am. Snickering to me that I'm a loser. I crawl in bed, pull the covers over me and stare up at the ceiling. Benji is still raging at me. This time when I pray to God, the Divine Spirit and Mother Nature I am praying for them to protect me from my demon. I pray to keep him away from me. I pray for strength to defeat him.

It is now 7:45am. Benji is still at it, but I have not allowed his abusiveness to convince me to hurt myself. Instead I have reached out to those who love me. I have come out of hiding and have found support in those who love me. It is now that I realize that I'm still at war with Benji but I think I might have actually won a battle for a change. And Benji, if you're listening, this won't be the last one I win. I'm in this war for the long haul. I am building my defenses. The numbers in my army are increasing. One of these days you will be defeated for good. One of these days I'll be free from your terrorizing clutches.

For now though I am relishing in this small victory.

Tamara 1/Benji 0