Solitaire

It's a quiet morning today. Of course, maybe that has something to do with the fact that I've been up for two hours already and it's only 6:00 am. Suffice it to say it was not a good night sleep. It wasn't even a half way decent night sleep. Now that I think about it, I'm wondering, "did I even sleep?" Can a person actually get sleep in between checking the clock every half hour? ugh

The permanent fog that has come to rest on my eyes and forehead no longer feels foreign to me. The awkward numbness and pain that travels from my armpit down to the tips of my fingers no longer feels alien. The beast named Benji yelling in my head no longer seems like a distraction. Instead, these things have become a part of me. They have become so much a part of me that I'm wondering how I will function when I am able to get rid of them. These things are not easy to live with yet live with them I must...at least for now.

Of course I have been prescribed painkillers and medication to assist with easing the pain, the insomnia and the depression. They only do some of the work to alleviate what I am experiencing. The rest is left up to me to cope with through ice and heat treatments, meditation and basically doing anything to get my mind onto something else. This is why the night time is so treacherous. It is much easier to find a way to get your mind off the pain, fatigue and depression when the sun is up and activities are easily found to do. In the middle of the night when the world is asleep and it seems like you are the only left alive in the world, the most difficult thing to do is getting your mind off those problems.

It is in the middle of the night when I am at my lowest point. The fatigue causes my eyes to constantly droop close. I think for an instant, "finally, sleep has arrived." But then reality sets in and I realize that they are only closed for a few seconds before I feel the pain roar in again. I decide to play a few games of solitaire on my phone. To no avail. The pain cannot be ignored no matter how many times I play. Then the depression sneaks it's way in and I become downtrodden and pessimistic. I start playing the "why me" game. It's a game that can never be won but is highly addicting.

Now here I sit. Still all alone in the world, so it seems. The sun is not up. The birds have yet to start their chirping. The dogs look at me as if to say, "lady, you're crazy, go back to bed!" Casey is still snuggled down in the covers. How I envy him right now. His face is fully relaxed and his body is enveloped in healing comforting sleep. I am thankful he is getting rest but jealous at the same time. Uh oh, here comes the "why me" game again. Why am I the one who can't sleep? Why am I the one in pain? Why am I the one who has an eating problem? Will the answer to these questions ever present themselves? Who knows.

What I do know is that I've got to make it through this. I've got to continue to keep pressing on and fighting this fight. My pessimistic side informs me that each day is a battle. The new and intriguing optimistic side says that each day is a chance to start anew. Right now it seems as if I have to struggle through the battle to be able to start anew. There have been a lot of battles and there are many more to come. In fact, I don't see an end in sight. How will I get through them all? For a warrior to be at their best they must be well rested. How can I continue fighting a war when rest never comes?

Right now this warrior is exhausted. My eyelids keep drooping as I write this. Is sleep finally here? Nope, the pain has snapped me awake again, dammit.

Time for some solitaire.