Synopsis

(This is my synopsis for my last day in my eating disorder treatment program. For confidentiality purposes the names have been changed.)

It is 6:38pm on the night before my discharge from treatment and I’m at a loss for words. I’m sitting here trying to come up with the right words to say regarding my experience while in treatment. Yet nothing I write seems to be able to capture exactly what I want to say because what I have gone through is so huge that words don’t seem to be enough to express all that I have to say.

As I write this I find myself crying. The tears have automatically started and just won’t stop. The feelings I have regarding this experience are too enormous to keep inside. I am realizing, right now at this very moment, not that I have changed but just how much I have changed. When I entered this program 7 weeks ago I was filled with anger, self-loathing and anxiety. Today I am leaving filled with joy, self-love and tranquility. I am no longer fighting off the tears and striking out in anger. I am allowing the tears to flow down my face and streak my cheeks with mascara. It is an odd sensation for me still, to cry, but one that I am welcoming with open arms.

This experience has been transformative for me. I feel like I have gone through my adolescence all over again. Not only was I relearning how to eat but I was learning how to appropriately manage feelings and emotions. I am thankful for the former but ever so grateful for the latter. As we all know, it was never about the food it was about using the food as a means to get rid of feeling emotions. I no longer want to be free of emotion or to be angry all the time. I now embrace emotions with open arms.

Tracy, thank you for being so real and true to yourself. Seeing that from you helped me learn that I’m capable of the same. I learned from you the only way I was going to get better was if I was not only honest to every here but also honest with myself.

Felicia, I feel so lucky to have gained your friendship. Thank you so much for all the talks and for being a true understanding friend.

Maria, thank you for being so honest and vocal during groups. I have learned so much from hearing you speak up. I wish you much success in your future.

Nora, I realize I barely know you, but I want to thank you for teaching me that my words make a bigger impact on others than I ever thought they did. I have learned to not carelessly throw words around without thinking of their affect on others. For that I thank you.

Dr. Horton, thank you for listening to me as I rambled on and on about being in pain and having insomnia. I cannot thank you enough for prescribing me that little green pill that has provided me with the wondrous gift of sleep.

Maureen, I remember the day you said to me, “So what’s keeping you in that chair? You’re an adult. You can get up and leave anytime you want.” You saw the truth in me. The truth that I didn’t want to leave. It was those words that helped me to realize that deep down inside I knew I was worth it to get better. Thank you for your patience, honesty and wisdom. I have learned a tremendous amount from you. There are many things that you have said during my time here that will always stay close to my heart.

Steve, thank you so much for listening, for being available to meet with me all those times I needed to. I was a bit scared to change therapists mid stream but was relieved to find out that it was just as easy for me to talk to you as it was for me to talk to Marie. For the record, you make an excellent stand in for Marie.

Marie, I don’t even know what to say. How can I thank someone who has made such a dramatic impact on my life as you have made on mine? All I can think of to say is thank you. I wish I could do so much more to express to you the amount of gratitude I have for you. The self discoveries I made during our sessions together are the cornerstone behind helping me to transform into this healthy person that I’m becoming. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your wisdom. Just, thank you.

My sister. You have been there for me my whole life. Yes we have had our ups and downs, but what relationship hasn’t. The fact that no matter what happens, we are able to still laugh and have fun together is what truly matters. Thank you for injecting humor into my life even when I didn’t want it.

My Ma, thank you for giving up a piece of your life to come live with us during my first week here in treatment. I do not know how I would have gotten through that first week with out you. I am so lucky to have such a strong, understanding and caring woman in my life. I’m very proud to be able to call you my Ma. My Pa, thank you for supporting me through this experience. I am so thankful to have you in my life.

My love, what in the world would I ever do without you? Lucky for me I will never need to find out the answer to that question. You truly are my rock. Saying thank you for all you have done for me truly will never be enough to let you know how much I appreciate all you have done. You have truly seen me at my very worst and yet you have loved me through it all. Even when I didn’t love myself you loved me enough for the both of us. I think back to that day, which is one of the worst days in my life. On that day I thought you were truly out to get me. Now that I look back on it I realize that you did all that you did because of how much you love me. For that I am forever grateful.

I no longer view food as the enemy, as I once did. Instead I view it as fuel to keep my body healthy and nourished. I won’t say that I have reached the point that I look forward to meals yet, but I also know that someday that day will come.

I no longer view my body as disgusting and something I should be ashamed of. I won’t say that I have reached the point of loving what I see when I look in the mirror but I can say that I’m able to appreciate my body for being healthy enough to do all the things it does for me as well as allowing me to do all the things I want to do.

I no longer care what other people think of me. I won’t say that I’ve reached the point of never giving what other people think a second thought, but I can say that I no longer allow what they might think of me to determine how I live my life.

I no longer hate myself. I won’t say that I have reached the point of perfect self-love, show me one person who has, but I can say that I love who I am and who I am becoming. I no longer view my worth as being associated to a number or a size. Instead I know that my worth comes from who I am and what I am able to accomplish. And I have a feeling I’m going to accomplish a lot with this life.

Healing

I am healing. I have realized that this is a slow process especially considering that I have been building these injuries for several years. These injuries are not apparent to the eye, they are not physical injuries. No, these injuries are far worse. These injuries are emotional, mental and psychological. I'm not proud that I have allowed these injuries to accrue over time. I can only imagine how deep the scar tissue will be once they heal, but heal they must. I will no longer allow myself to suffer in these wounds that keep me trapped, keep me from moving forward in my life.

My life. It is interesting to view my life through the eyes that I now have, instead of the clouded eyes that I have been used to in the past. My life used to be filled with fear of the "what ifs", the "shouldn'ts" and the "not good enoughs". Now my life is filled with the possibilities of what can be, what could be and what will be. I now believe that I have the ability to accomplish anything with this life. No longer will I allow fear to keep me trapped from growing, from moving forward or from living life to the fullest.

I think of my grandmother, she was an independent and strong woman who never allowed the doubts of others stop her from what she wanted to accomplish. My grandmother accomplished so much in her life that she has left a legacy in her part of Alaska. She never intended to leave a legacy behind her. She never set out to do something so that she would be remembered for doing it, she simply did it because she wanted to do it. My grandmother taught me many valuable lessons but I think one of the most valuable things she ever taught me was not spoken in words but spoken in actions. When she set out to do something she accomplished it and when she did so she did by fully investing herself in the project.

Yes, I'm healing a great deal right now. This trip home is doing me a world of good. I know that I still have a long road to recovery before I am fully healed. Of course, there is always the possibility that I will never be fully healed but one thing I know for sure is that the hole that has been gaping for so long in my heart, the hole that I so desperately tried to fill up with food, is a bit smaller than it was before I began this trip.

I have a feeling that if I continue to look inward and reflect on who I am and where I want to go that hole may just disappear entirely. Here's hoping.

Sitting on the Sidelines

Sitting in my red leather chair, I stare out the window and look upon the world that exists beyond. The sun is rising behind the clouds. The trees are starting to take on the colors of fall. The birds are flitting to the feeder for food. The world is busy while I sit in my red leather chair watching it all.

I begin to think about how often I have found myself just sitting, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the moment when I am compelled to stop idly watching life and begin to become an active participant in the world around me. Too often have I made excuses for not engaging in a social activity because of my fear. Too often have I talked myself out of an audition due to possibly being rejected for the part. Too often have I made myself feel "not good enough" and therefore have denied myself to live life. Instead I sit on the sidelines, watch other people achieve their goals, thinking to myself, "I wish that were me."

What is it that propels me to think that I'm not good enough to participate in life? Why is it that I waste the days away as if I have thousands more to live before I actually start living? Why do I allow myself to focus on the negative of what might happen instead of looking at the positive?

I wish I was brave enough to look at the world and exclaim, "Test me all you want but I'm going to follow my dreams no matter what life throws at me!" Instead I fear it may come out as a whisper and no one would hear it at all. Or worse. Someone would hear my meek, fearful protest and laugh at the self doubt that entangles it. Pointing at me while they snicker because they know that I'm too weak to stand up for myself.

Then again, what do I care if other people laugh at me behind their backs. What does that matter to me? Nothing that anyone else thinks of me should ever matter. I should never bring into consideration what others think of me when making decisions in my life. Yet, I do. I long for the approval of others. I desire to have others view me as being "right". More than anything, I want to belong, to fit in. To be accepted as I am.

I have never felt accepted as who I am. However, looking back, I have never really shown who I am to anyone. No wonder I've never been accepted. How can one be accepted for who they are when they never show the world their true self? How can one be liked for being themselves when even they don't like who they see in the mirror? In essence, they can't.

So...I've decided to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm going to show the world who I really am. No more mask to hide behind. No more wall to hold back my feelings. No more facade to play. In fact, if you look at it like that, I'm one of the greatest actresses there ever was. Or the worst. In truth, I don't think I was fooling anyone with my act of "having it together." It's amazing how easily one can fool themselves.

From this day on I will be creative instead of passive. I will take chances instead of sitting on the sidelines. I will be bold instead of meek. I will be passionate instead of angry.

I want to achieve happiness in my life, not success. For too long I have strived for success to make me happy. Sadly that is not how it works. Instead I will strive for happiness. In happiness I will find success. I will keep a Buddhist saying close to my heart. "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing you will be successful." Buddha, he's one smart cookie.

Ok world, I'm ready for ya! Bring on the worst you've got. I have a feeling that no matter what I face, as long as I face it with truth, conviction and sincerity I'll have a better life than never facing it at all.

Red leather chair, I love you so, but it's time for me to stop sitting. It's time for me to start doing. To start living. Living...hmmm...I wonder what that's like? No better time to find out than now. Watch out world, here I come. I hope you're ready for me!