It is 6:38pm on the night before my discharge from treatment and I’m at a loss for words. I’m sitting here trying to come up with the right words to say regarding my experience while in treatment. Yet nothing I write seems to be able to capture exactly what I want to say because what I have gone through is so huge that words don’t seem to be enough to express all that I have to say.
As I write this I find myself crying. The tears have automatically started and just won’t stop. The feelings I have regarding this experience are too enormous to keep inside. I am realizing, right now at this very moment, not that I have changed but just how much I have changed. When I entered this program 7 weeks ago I was filled with anger, self-loathing and anxiety. Today I am leaving filled with joy, self-love and tranquility. I am no longer fighting off the tears and striking out in anger. I am allowing the tears to flow down my face and streak my cheeks with mascara. It is an odd sensation for me still, to cry, but one that I am welcoming with open arms.
This experience has been transformative for me. I feel like I have gone through my adolescence all over again. Not only was I relearning how to eat but I was learning how to appropriately manage feelings and emotions. I am thankful for the former but ever so grateful for the latter. As we all know, it was never about the food it was about using the food as a means to get rid of feeling emotions. I no longer want to be free of emotion or to be angry all the time. I now embrace emotions with open arms.
Tracy, thank you for being so real and true to yourself. Seeing that from you helped me learn that I’m capable of the same. I learned from you the only way I was going to get better was if I was not only honest to every here but also honest with myself.
Felicia, I feel so lucky to have gained your friendship. Thank you so much for all the talks and for being a true understanding friend.
Maria, thank you for being so honest and vocal during groups. I have learned so much from hearing you speak up. I wish you much success in your future.
Nora, I realize I barely know you, but I want to thank you for teaching me that my words make a bigger impact on others than I ever thought they did. I have learned to not carelessly throw words around without thinking of their affect on others. For that I thank you.
Dr. Horton, thank you for listening to me as I rambled on and on about being in pain and having insomnia. I cannot thank you enough for prescribing me that little green pill that has provided me with the wondrous gift of sleep.
Maureen, I remember the day you said to me, “So what’s keeping you in that chair? You’re an adult. You can get up and leave anytime you want.” You saw the truth in me. The truth that I didn’t want to leave. It was those words that helped me to realize that deep down inside I knew I was worth it to get better. Thank you for your patience, honesty and wisdom. I have learned a tremendous amount from you. There are many things that you have said during my time here that will always stay close to my heart.
Steve, thank you so much for listening, for being available to meet with me all those times I needed to. I was a bit scared to change therapists mid stream but was relieved to find out that it was just as easy for me to talk to you as it was for me to talk to Marie. For the record, you make an excellent stand in for Marie.
Marie, I don’t even know what to say. How can I thank someone who has made such a dramatic impact on my life as you have made on mine? All I can think of to say is thank you. I wish I could do so much more to express to you the amount of gratitude I have for you. The self discoveries I made during our sessions together are the cornerstone behind helping me to transform into this healthy person that I’m becoming. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your wisdom. Just, thank you.
My sister. You have been there for me my whole life. Yes we have had our ups and downs, but what relationship hasn’t. The fact that no matter what happens, we are able to still laugh and have fun together is what truly matters. Thank you for injecting humor into my life even when I didn’t want it.
My Ma, thank you for giving up a piece of your life to come live with us during my first week here in treatment. I do not know how I would have gotten through that first week with out you. I am so lucky to have such a strong, understanding and caring woman in my life. I’m very proud to be able to call you my Ma. My Pa, thank you for supporting me through this experience. I am so thankful to have you in my life.
My love, what in the world would I ever do without you? Lucky for me I will never need to find out the answer to that question. You truly are my rock. Saying thank you for all you have done for me truly will never be enough to let you know how much I appreciate all you have done. You have truly seen me at my very worst and yet you have loved me through it all. Even when I didn’t love myself you loved me enough for the both of us. I think back to that day, which is one of the worst days in my life. On that day I thought you were truly out to get me. Now that I look back on it I realize that you did all that you did because of how much you love me. For that I am forever grateful.
I no longer view my body as disgusting and something I should be ashamed of. I won’t say that I have reached the point of loving what I see when I look in the mirror but I can say that I’m able to appreciate my body for being healthy enough to do all the things it does for me as well as allowing me to do all the things I want to do.
I no longer care what other people think of me. I won’t say that I’ve reached the point of never giving what other people think a second thought, but I can say that I no longer allow what they might think of me to determine how I live my life.
I no longer hate myself. I won’t say that I have reached the point of perfect self-love, show me one person who has, but I can say that I love who I am and who I am becoming. I no longer view my worth as being associated to a number or a size. Instead I know that my worth comes from who I am and what I am able to accomplish. And I have a feeling I’m going to accomplish a lot with this life.
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