Healing

I am healing. I have realized that this is a slow process especially considering that I have been building these injuries for several years. These injuries are not apparent to the eye, they are not physical injuries. No, these injuries are far worse. These injuries are emotional, mental and psychological. I'm not proud that I have allowed these injuries to accrue over time. I can only imagine how deep the scar tissue will be once they heal, but heal they must. I will no longer allow myself to suffer in these wounds that keep me trapped, keep me from moving forward in my life.

My life. It is interesting to view my life through the eyes that I now have, instead of the clouded eyes that I have been used to in the past. My life used to be filled with fear of the "what ifs", the "shouldn'ts" and the "not good enoughs". Now my life is filled with the possibilities of what can be, what could be and what will be. I now believe that I have the ability to accomplish anything with this life. No longer will I allow fear to keep me trapped from growing, from moving forward or from living life to the fullest.

I think of my grandmother, she was an independent and strong woman who never allowed the doubts of others stop her from what she wanted to accomplish. My grandmother accomplished so much in her life that she has left a legacy in her part of Alaska. She never intended to leave a legacy behind her. She never set out to do something so that she would be remembered for doing it, she simply did it because she wanted to do it. My grandmother taught me many valuable lessons but I think one of the most valuable things she ever taught me was not spoken in words but spoken in actions. When she set out to do something she accomplished it and when she did so she did by fully investing herself in the project.

Yes, I'm healing a great deal right now. This trip home is doing me a world of good. I know that I still have a long road to recovery before I am fully healed. Of course, there is always the possibility that I will never be fully healed but one thing I know for sure is that the hole that has been gaping for so long in my heart, the hole that I so desperately tried to fill up with food, is a bit smaller than it was before I began this trip.

I have a feeling that if I continue to look inward and reflect on who I am and where I want to go that hole may just disappear entirely. Here's hoping.