Sitting on the Sidelines

Sitting in my red leather chair, I stare out the window and look upon the world that exists beyond. The sun is rising behind the clouds. The trees are starting to take on the colors of fall. The birds are flitting to the feeder for food. The world is busy while I sit in my red leather chair watching it all.

I begin to think about how often I have found myself just sitting, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the moment when I am compelled to stop idly watching life and begin to become an active participant in the world around me. Too often have I made excuses for not engaging in a social activity because of my fear. Too often have I talked myself out of an audition due to possibly being rejected for the part. Too often have I made myself feel "not good enough" and therefore have denied myself to live life. Instead I sit on the sidelines, watch other people achieve their goals, thinking to myself, "I wish that were me."

What is it that propels me to think that I'm not good enough to participate in life? Why is it that I waste the days away as if I have thousands more to live before I actually start living? Why do I allow myself to focus on the negative of what might happen instead of looking at the positive?

I wish I was brave enough to look at the world and exclaim, "Test me all you want but I'm going to follow my dreams no matter what life throws at me!" Instead I fear it may come out as a whisper and no one would hear it at all. Or worse. Someone would hear my meek, fearful protest and laugh at the self doubt that entangles it. Pointing at me while they snicker because they know that I'm too weak to stand up for myself.

Then again, what do I care if other people laugh at me behind their backs. What does that matter to me? Nothing that anyone else thinks of me should ever matter. I should never bring into consideration what others think of me when making decisions in my life. Yet, I do. I long for the approval of others. I desire to have others view me as being "right". More than anything, I want to belong, to fit in. To be accepted as I am.

I have never felt accepted as who I am. However, looking back, I have never really shown who I am to anyone. No wonder I've never been accepted. How can one be accepted for who they are when they never show the world their true self? How can one be liked for being themselves when even they don't like who they see in the mirror? In essence, they can't.

So...I've decided to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm going to show the world who I really am. No more mask to hide behind. No more wall to hold back my feelings. No more facade to play. In fact, if you look at it like that, I'm one of the greatest actresses there ever was. Or the worst. In truth, I don't think I was fooling anyone with my act of "having it together." It's amazing how easily one can fool themselves.

From this day on I will be creative instead of passive. I will take chances instead of sitting on the sidelines. I will be bold instead of meek. I will be passionate instead of angry.

I want to achieve happiness in my life, not success. For too long I have strived for success to make me happy. Sadly that is not how it works. Instead I will strive for happiness. In happiness I will find success. I will keep a Buddhist saying close to my heart. "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing you will be successful." Buddha, he's one smart cookie.

Ok world, I'm ready for ya! Bring on the worst you've got. I have a feeling that no matter what I face, as long as I face it with truth, conviction and sincerity I'll have a better life than never facing it at all.

Red leather chair, I love you so, but it's time for me to stop sitting. It's time for me to start doing. To start living. Living...hmmm...I wonder what that's like? No better time to find out than now. Watch out world, here I come. I hope you're ready for me!