Two and a Half Years

It has been two and a half years since I graduated out of the hospital for recovery from an eating disorder.  Two and a half years.  Some days it seems as if the time has flown by.  Other days it feels like it has taken a century for me to make it this far.  With all the work I've done to heal myself, two and a half years later, I'm still in recovery.  I no longer restrict myself from eating food but ED still has power over me because even though I don't restrict I've realized recently that my view towards food hasn't really changed much.  I still use food as punishment or reward.  Mostly as a punishment.
I in no way eat a balanced diet of fruit, vegetables, lean proteins, carbs and fats.  Processed food seems to be what I crave nowadays.  Mostly because it's easy and I don't have to expend too much energy into thinking about what I'm eating.  Which in turn actually causes me to over think the negative aspects of what the food I'm eating is doing to my body.

I thought that by not really thinking about what was being put into my body that I would be able to get over being obsessed about food.  Looks like I was wrong.  I'm still inherently obsessed with food. But instead of being obsessed with restricting myself from it I'm obsessed with the next thing I will put into my mouth.  Lately I seem to crave salty, carb rich, fatty foods.  Not that there is anything wrong with eating those types of foods but in no way does a diet rich in those foods create a healthy person.

The catch though, so it seems, is that my mind is still stuck in the idea that if I don't eat these types of foods then I am restricting myself from "normal eating".  Normal eating is my ultimate goal.  I truly want to be able to look at a food and see it as food and base my wanting to eat it from if it is sounds good, not if I should eat it or not.  Sound confusing?  Yeah, it pretty much is.

I'm reading a book by Jenni Schafer called "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me".  It's about reclaiming your life back from an eating disorder and reach the ultimate goal of being recovered, not in recovery. Ms. Schafer states in her book, as long as I keep giving ED power I will still be in recovery.  I'm stuck right now in that weird place of not wanting to give ED power but not knowing how to reclaim my power back.

Like I said, it's been two and a half years since I graduated from the hospital program.  I thought I would be further along in my journey to being fully recovered.  But I'm not.  I'm where I am, which is, I guess, exactly where I am suppose to be in my recovery.  But not for long.  I don't want to be in recovery anymore.  I want to be recovered.

There is so much that I want to do that it is a little scary at times.  I don't necessarily have the energy to do all I want to do right now, because, well, I'm still not fueling my soul in a healthy way.  But I've reached my limit of playing the victim of ED having this power over me.  I think that is the basic point that is frustrating me.  I'm still playing the victim to ED.  I don't want to play the victim anymore.  I want to just play.  I want to explore life without this following me around like a dark stormy cloud.  I want to be able to just live.  Not live with an eating disorder.

It's taken me two and a half years to make it this far.  I wonder where I'll be in two and a half more years?