Bad Food! No Donut for You!

I am so desperately tired of hearing people complain about not looking "good enough", "thin enough", "young enough" or "attractive enough".  The women that come into my coffee shop berate themselves on a daily basis.  I don't even think that they realize that they are doing it.  Honestly, I truly don't.  It breaks my heart when I hear women state, "Oh, I'm trying to be good today."  Or any similar form of that statement.  What qualifies as being "good." What qualifies as being "bad."

It appears that these women truly and whole heartedly believe that if the coffee drink they get is nonfat, sugar free, with out whipped cream and void of all things caloric they then feel that they are being good.  Heaven forbid they decided to get 2% milk or, gasp, whipped cream.  Oh no, they can't, as that would constitute being bad.  They can't be bad because that would mean they might actually consume some calories!  Eeeeek!

Men are not devoid of this behavior.  I have heard many a man say, "I'll be good today."  So they decide not to get the apple fritter, the whipped cream or the largest size available.  (Don't even get me started on the ridiculous portions my coffee shop offers. As that is for another blog post another time.)

I used to be one of these people.  I used to consume as few calories as possible.  There were days that would go by where I would not eat one gram of fat.  That last statement is no where near an exaggeration.  If a food had fat in it I would avoid it at all costs.  I used to base my value on how well I ate that day.  "Well" being defined as how few calories I consumed.  I was bad if I had too many.

But I'm not that person anymore.  I now have a healthy relationship with food.  Well, at least healthier than it used to be.  I'm still working on my relationship with it.  Food and I are on this understanding.  I now know that there is no such thing as "bad" food.  Food, in turn, now holds no power of me.

What I eat does not effect my personal view of myself.  I am not bad if I eat a piece of cheese.  I do not need to run on a treadmill for 20 minutes longer just so I can have whipped cream.  (Treadmills, ugh, there is outside for a reason!!!)  I will not abstain from having my delicious black and white salted caramel mocha.  I instead have a lovely little 8oz size.  I have what I want and my day goes on.

My love for myself is not affected by what I put in my mouth.  My love for myself is based upon what I am able to do.  I judge the health of my body by what it can do, not the size it is.

I wish I could pass this knowledge on to those who come into my store and berate themselves on a daily basis.  I wish there was someway I could help them to see that they are doing damage to their psyche not encouraging a healthy lifestyle.  But their problems are not mine.  I cannot take on their issues.  I have enough of my own issues to deal with!

Instead I will live my life as a healthy example for others.  I will continue to love myself for what I am capable of doing and for who I am.  Who knows, maybe it'll catch on!

Cleaning vs Clean

When I was growing up my mom was very big into Saturday being Cleaning Day. She always seemed so super excited about cleaning. My sister, it seemed, was always assigned the duty of vacuuming while I was always honored with the task of dusting all the wood furniture and cleaning the mirrors and glass. When we got older my sister also got to help clean the bathrooms and I helped clean the kitchen.

It was awful. At least it was awful to me when I was a child. The last thing I wanted to do on a Saturday, after a long hard week at school (haha my life was so tough!), was to wake up and do chores on a Saturday.

What made it truly awful was that I never understood why we had to clean again when we just cleaned everything, and yes I mean everything, just the week before. It never computed in my little child brain that by keeping things clean made it that much easier to clean them!

So now as an adult I avoid cleaning at all costs. Now don't get me wrong, I do not live in filth. I definitely like having a tidy kitchen. (Casey will read that last sentence and laugh as I hate to clean the kitchen). I enjoy having a bathroom that is nice and clean and smells beautiful. Yet, even though I love having things clean, I have the hardest finding the motivation to get my butt up and moving to do what seems so tedious.

I mean really, who enjoys scrubbing the toilet? Everyone loves a clean toilet, but truly who enjoys cleaning it? And by all means, if you are one of those strange, rare, extraordinary individuals, like my mother, who loves and adores cleaning please do not be offended by my following statement: Those who love to clean have always confused me more than just a little.

I do not enjoy cleaning. I enjoy the end result. It feels wonderful to walk into the house after a good cleaning to it smelling clean and not like dog stench. (It is a miracle to me that we can eliminate the dog stench from our house in the first place! (yeah I know, gross.))

I dream of the day where I can be in a financial position to hire a maid. It would be truly lovely to come home to a spic and span house without having to lift a finger. This is where my mother would ask me if I would enjoy the clean house as much if someone else cleaned it as if I cleaned it myself. In all honesty, I would love it more! To never have to scrub another toilet seat, or mop another floor or vacuum ever again would be heaven.

I realize that this dream of mine most likely will not come true. I can think of so many other valuable and long lasting experiences that I would rather put my money towards but just the thought of a maid is delicious.

But my current reality is such that I clean my own home. I take pleasure when what I've cleaned is nice and I'm proud to show it off. I'll continue focusing on the end result, not the task at hand to get it to that result.

Either that or while I'm cleaning I'll day dream of someone cleaning my house while the cabana boy fans me and feeds me grapes.

Now that would be heavenly!

The Future? hmmm...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's a question that every little kid has an answer for. A nurse, an actor, a cowboy, a lawyer and sometimes they'll even say astronaut. But what do you do when you're asked that question at 34? If you're me then you deflect the question by saying something like, "What I want to be is happy. I'm not really concerned about a career." While secretly inside you think, "Oh man, I feel like such a heel. I can't believe I don't know what I want to do at this age!"

So for the past year I've been living my life with no set goal of what I want to do with my future. I've been working away at Starbucks and working on my recovery. I've been happy I can pay my bills. I've been super pleased that I'm getting myself out of debt. I've been thrilled that I've been able to afford a few trips here or there. But deep down inside I knew something was missing.

I graduated from college with a degree in theatre. Yet once I graduated I realized that theatre was not something that I had the energy to pursue full time. I knew that I did not have the passion for being an artist that lives, breathes, eats and sleeps theatre. And I am comfortably okay with that. In fact the longer I've been out of school the happier I am that I'm not really involved in theatre all that much any more. But I'm not okay with not having a dream to strive for. I don't like not having something that I'm working towards.

Recently I've discovered a new desire. It might turn into a passion. I'm allowing myself to explore that possibility. What is wonderful is that this new adventure will allow me to influence women around me to feel good about themselves. It will help me to promote positive self images in women.

This society is so very sick with it's ideas about what is beautiful. I can't express how much I want to be a part of the movement to turn that idea around. I want to encourage all types of women to love themselves as they are instead of hating themselves for what they aren't. This has been a goal of mine since I entered my rehab treatment. This country would be a far healthier country if it stopped focusing so much on what people "should" weigh and started focusing on living for health.

So I have this new adventure stirring a desire inside me. I'm going to allow it time to marinate. I'm going to allow myself time to sit with the thoughts that come with this idea. I'm going to nurture these thoughts and allow them to grow into a passion. Because I don't want to live a life of just getting by and paying the bills. I want to live a life of passion, creativity and purpose.

I'm off to marinate.

No More Drama

As I sit here thinking of something to write about I realize that I have no tale of desperation to share. I have no overwhelming desire to share a new discovery. It seems as if I have nothing to write about as I have no fabulous new juicy detail to share about my life. And that alone is what I realize I must write about.

For so many years my life has consisted of drama. And no I'm not talking about the kind of drama that you go to the theatre to see. (and yes you must say theatre as such: Thee-ah-Tarrr) Instead I'm talking about the kind of drama that I have allowed to exist in my everyday life. The drama that ensues when one is so focused on dieting, exercise, defensiveness and self-loathing. It seemed that everyday I would come up with some new way to hate myself, either by spewing disparaging remarks about myself, or becoming involved in poisonous relationships or by allowing myself to be a part of unhealthy situations. (Oh to be 22 again and to know what I know now!)

I'm 12 years older than that age now and yet I feel brand new. Still the same old silly, ornery, laugh out loud girl that we all know but with a calmness and serenity that surrounds me now. I guess I don't really feel brand new, maybe just updated and improved. (and now I'm gonna sound like a perfect dork) but I feel like I've been uploaded with new operating software that has gotten rid of the virus infected one from before.

My life is no where near as "exciting" as it once was. (Thank goodness!) And yet my life now is so much more fulfilling and rewarding than it has ever been. I am enriching my life because I see myself as so much more valuable than I did when I was 22. Granted, my life is pretty routine. (well as routine as it can be when I get up at 3am on some days and stay up till 12am on other days) I go to work, I come home, I clean house (haha), I spend time with my fiance and find time for hanging out with my best girlfriends. This life that I am enjoying now has it's own excitements that are so much more long lasting than any night of desperation from before.

I have the excitement of coming home to the most amazing man in the world! (I even get to marry him soon!) I get to play with the 3 best dogs in the whole world. I am fortunate enough to have a yard to go out and garden in, when it's not raining! I am re-immersing myself in arts and crafts. I forgot what it was like to see one of my hand-made creations come to fruition.

So today as I sit here in my red leather chair and look out the window I smile at my contentedness. While others may think my life is boring and pretty standard, (please feel free to judge me all you want, it doesn't bother me anymore), I am more in love with my life and myself than ever before. I'm enjoying the contentment. I'm truly am enjoying living in this moment of my life.