Black Cloudy Day

These are the worst kind of days. These days bring about a feeling of walking through peanut butter. Everything, no matter how small, is a struggle to get through. It's not that I don't want to accomplish anything on these days but due to the enormous strength it takes just to get out of bed on days like these I seldom have much more strength than to do the absolute minimum to just get by.

At the end of one of my Black Cloud Days I feel a heavy burden of guilt surrounding me for all the tasks that were left undone or unaccomplished. How can just emptying the dishwasher feel like too much? The guilt is compounded when Casey comes home and completes a task I didn't have the energy to do.

I know these kind of days will lessen over time. I realize that compared to where I was three months ago I am doing phenomenally well. Yet there is still that nagging inside my head (stupid eating disorder knows my weaknesses) telling me that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough and that I never will amount to anything. On my Black Cloud Days this voice wins over and I give into the feeling of melancholy that only it can induce.

Here's the bright side of this whole sh-bang; I at least now can recognize days like these. I can at least now work on climbing out of the mound of peanut butter. No, it won't be easy. Most likely I will be struggling to get this goo off of me for quite sometime. However, I am fortunate enough to be able to have some self-reflection. It is this self-reflection that will enable to me move forward and leave these Black Cloud Days behind me. As my sister once said, tomorrow is another day and I hope it can be a Rainbow Cloud kind of day.