Be Kind

Kindness.  I show it to others willingly, even happily.  One of my life's motto's is "In a world where you can be anything, be kind."  It's really not that hard to be polite and show kindness.  There is so much ugliness and hatred in this world that I choose to show kindness to others.  And yet, I do not show kindness to myself.

I'm actually quite mean to myself.  I would never be friends with anyone who spoke to me the way I speak to me.  My counselor told me I need to become friends with myself.  To show myself the kindness that I show to others. This has been my homework this week, so to speak.  If I were to grade myself on this homework assignment I would be give myself about a C-.  It is incredibly difficult to break old habits and to get rid of that negative self talk.

The boyfriend and I went on a walk this weekend, several actually (yay!).  While we were walking up the hill from our place to the main road I got very discouraged.  Now mind you, this hill is not a gentle sloping gradual slight hill.  This is a hill that knocks the wind out of even the fittest of folks. So, we're climbing up this monster to go get lunch.  I'm heaving, wheezing and very nearly out of breath.  I say out loud something akin to "God (pant) damn (pant) I'm outta (pant) shape (pant pant)".  But what I was saying to myself in my head was far worse than what I said out loud.  "How could you allow yourself to get so fat and out of shape?"  "You're such a loser for being so fat." "Everyone is staring at you, the fat person struggling to get up the hill.  They're laughing at you too."

But at this moment a light started blinking in my head. It blinked "Be Kind", "Be Kind", "Be Kind" over and over in bright red letters. So I pulled in a ragged breath, pointed to myself with my little finger and said out loud "Be kind to yourself. Be proud that you are moving your body. You are doing some good by being out and about." Or something like that, I can't remember the exact phrasing but that is the gist of the message that I told to myself.

It seems so frou frou doesn't it?  To simply be kind to yourself.  It doesn't really seem like it would make that much of a difference in ones life.  And yet, on that beautiful spring day, while I was gasping for breath and feeling like garbage, hearing myself be nice to myself made a gigantic positive impact.  Instead of being crippled by an anxiety attack brought on by my own self loathing I was able to enjoy the gorgeous sunny day. We had a delicious lunch and fantastic conversation.

Please know that I have not perfected being kind to myself.  I am not yet friends with myself.  I'd say we're acquaintances who are bonding. I am testing the waters of trust that friendship is built on.  I am allowing myself mistakes, the room to make them and forgiveness.

Practicing kindness towards myself is a new experience. I'm 39 years old and I've never thought to be friends with myself.  It just never occurred to me.  Be Kind.  It's a new motto that I've added to my repertoire.  I hope it's one that stays.