Processed

Cheetos.  I have loved them since I can remember.  The crunchy, salty, cheesy goodness that comes from indulging in a bag of these delicious treats has always been a comfort to me.  Licking off the built up cheese goo that has stuck to my fingers is to me, what licking the bowl after a bowl of ice cream is for people with a sweet tooth.  Cheetos have been my go to comfort food since I was at least seven years old.  My favorite kind of Cheetos are the original crunchy kind.  Don't get me wrong though, I'll take any kind you give me and completely make myself sick off of them.
That right there is the problem folks.  I have actually been making myself sick off of them.
From reading this blog you all know by now that I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety and anorexia.  I have now been out of the hospital for a little over two years.  Yet I feel as sick as the day I left.  I know that some people reading this will think the last statement is an exaggeration.  But I tell ya, it's not.  My symptoms of depression have not lessened.  I do not feel like I have a healthy diet plan.  I suffer from anxiety on an almost daily basis.  Each of the three issues above cause me to not feel well.  When I don't feel well, (sad, blue, lethargic), this gal does not want to cook, engage in interactions with others and dont' get me started on how just the thought of exercise makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed and never leave.
So, when I feel crappy like that I reach for a bag of Cheetos.  Or any other overly processed food-like product.  (I say food-like because, let's face it, most of what is in these foods isn't food.)  I go to processed cereal, pastas, pizzas, Chinese food, and the list goes on and on.
Then I eat one of these oh so non-nutritious meals and low and behold would you believe that I feel even crappier afterwards?  Which causes my depression to deepen, my anxiety to creep up and my eating disorder to come back.
Last week I had one of my lowest lows since entering the hospital to seek treatment.  I couldn't even manage to make myself breakfast, get dressed or bathe.  Instead of taking care of myself, I would drive on down to the old McDonald's and get any old thing off their menu.  Drive back home, devour it and feel even that much more crappy, then I would take a nap.  After waking up I'd walk to the kitchen to grab a bag of Cheetos (insert any type of crappy processed snack food here).  Consume enough Cheetos to feed a football team... Well, by now I think y'all see the pattern here.
Realizing that I wasn't feeling better, and in fact worse in some cases, I figured why not put my time of sitting in my red leather chair to better use and research the foods I was eating.  What I found out blew my mind.  And at some point I will share what I've learned with you.  However, I have learned far too much this past week to be able to detail it here.  I'll save it for another blog.
However, the positive thing I have learned is this: in the same way I use food to hurt myself, I can also use food to heal myself.  I am slowing switching my diet from almost an entirely processed diet to one full of micro-nutrient rich food, no gluten (for now), no sugar (starting tomorrow) and full of lean healthy proteins.  I will eventually cut out caffeine but let's not get too crazy here to start.  I mean, I am the owner of a coffee shop!
I just started this new way of eating yesterday.  I am going to enter into it slowly and carefully.  This isn't something that I'm falling head first into.  I have friends and family who are extremely knowledgeable in this area.  I have a doctor and therapist who I use to advise me in all things physical and mental.  So, I'm entering this new lifestyle safely.
Today I have been craving a bagel or Cheetos or muffin or (insert any gluten laced food here) like crazy this morning.  But then I remember why I'm doing all of this; to reclaim my life back from depression, and the craving nearly melts away.
I'll be sure to post more regarding how this new healthy eating plan works for me.  I don't intend to make this a "diet".  I plan on changing my diet so I can reclaim my life.  Depression, anxiety and anorexia have robbed me of too much of my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.  It's high time I feel good enough to appreciate all that I have.