8 1/2 x 11

I was not prepared to uncover the emotions that crept up on me today. They grabbed me out of nowhere. These emotions held me surrendered in my own body. A day off from work, there I was sitting in front of the wood stove, innocently searching through some old boxes I found in the spare room closet. I'd forgotten they were there. They've been resting there for two years. Waiting for me to rifle through them. Waiting for me to fall siege to the emotions that come along with uncovering artifacts from my previous life. A life that molded a box around me so small that I was unaware of the minuscule surroundings that were my life.

When I broke free of that box. When I finally found the courage to bust through the barriers that were keeping me in that life, I realized that I was alone. There was no one there to soften my fall. There was no one there to guide me out of the mess my life had become. At this time it became so blatantly obvious to me just how controlled I had been. I was used as a puppet to manipulate my own life into something that I could not recognize.

So, as I was sitting there, sifting through the mountain high pile of paperwork, photos, letters, cards, folders and notebooks, it never crossed my mind that I would find something that would bring up strong negative emotions. But I found something that did. I was reading a card from my sister. Smiled at the sentiment. Then placed it in the "put in souvenir" pile. Picked up the next piece of paper. A college ruled piece of notebook paper that was folded into quarters. I unfolded the paper, first once, then twice. I saw the handwriting on the paper and froze. Stunned. Held in place by fear and just more than an ounce of hatred.

It was his handwriting. Jotting out some plan of what file he'd worked on that day. What was written there didn't matter. What mattered what the insurmountable feeling of fear, hatred and repulsion towards him. Hatred because of what he did to me. Repulsion because I get sick to my stomach thinking about having spent time with him and almost marrying him. And fear that somehow, someway he will find me. That he will be able to build that box up around me again.

I put the piece of paper down. I look up to my surroundings. I am comforted by my dogs, who are passed out on the sofa and their beds. They have a peacefulness about them. They have an innocence about them. They are unworried by this piece of 8 1/2 x 11 notebook paper. It poses no threat to them. They are no more concerned about this piece of paper then they are lint on the floor. What threatens them are mean dogs, strangers knocking on the door and not getting dinner.

I look down at that piece of paper that somehow has found it's way into the "souvenir" pile. I pick it back up. I see that handwriting. The emotions run over me again. I feel my face contort into a sad painful expression. I can feel my heart beating faster. The tears in my eyes are forming. I think to myself, "I do not want this piece of paper in my house. It is negative. It sucks my happiness from me." I place the paper in the "to shred" pile.

I sit back. Momentarily content with my accomplishment. I look up at the fire place. One of my dogs has moved to roast his belly in front of the wood stove. He's quite content. See? Not worried one bit about that piece of paper. I look back at the fire. A grin forms on my face. I take the piece of paper off the "to shred" pile. Open the door to the wood stove. Place the paper on top of the log that is burning. The paper lights up in a milli-second. The mini inferno it creates turns my grin into a smile. Within a minute the paper with the handwriting on it has been consumed by the fire.

As I sit here and reflect back to this afternoons event, I am quite happy with what I've accomplished. I am very pleased with myself for coming up with such a creative way to destroy a very poisonous prop to my unhappiness. Might I even say I am proud of myself?

The box has been finished. All of the paper work has been sorted into stacks to deal with at another time. The negativity from the box has been purged and all that is left is memorabilia and financial items. I'm looking forward to turning the rest of my house into a no negativity zone as well. I'm looking forward to building up the happiness in my life. After all, we could all use a little more happiness, right?

Journey

I've noticed lately that it has become increasingly difficult for me to keep up this blog. When I started this blog I decided to choose a topic that was very close to home to me. I wanted to use this outlet as a way to express the many difficulties and realizations that have come my way during my quest to overcome an eating disorder. I wanted to share my ordeal with others in a way that didn't involve me chatting on the phone and describing in detail all the things that no one needs to hear. I wanted to be able to share what I chose without receiving questions from inquiring minds.

However, I have avoided this blog a bit lately because my life does not revolve around an eating disorder any more. I have more going on than that. (Did anyone else just read that?) I'll say it again. My life does not revolve around an eating disorder anymore!!! Wow! I never in my life thought that I would be able to say that. Yet here it is in black and white. I typed it before I even knew what I was writing. Is it possible for me to say that I am healed? Can I really be free from this ED that has over taken the last 7 years of my life?

The answer is a resounding: Yes!

I no longer associate myself as being someone who is sick with this disease. Yes I know that I'll still have struggles in this area. And don't get me wrong I know I still have many issues. But my life no longer revolves around being sick from an eating disorder or having my day consumed with healing from an eating disorder.

There is so much more going on in my life than just one thing. I work, even though some days I hate it. I play with my dogs. I go out with friends. I voluntarily spend time working on the house. I involve myself with crafts. I am becoming interested in dance and theatre again. Now that I realize that there is so much more going on with my life then just one, albeit very difficult, thing I think I need to expand the topics in my blog.

I have read several of my previous posts. Many of them are posts about self discovery. So I will continue down that path for my writing. I'm changing the focus from "my journey of an eating disorder" and instead I'm changing it to "my journey to self discovery". It'll give me more to write about. And lets face it, I think we all were getting a little tired hearing me whine about ED anyway!

So onward and forward. Here's to more posts that no longer focus on what disease I am sick with but will focus on who I am and who I am becoming.