A Look Inside the Mind of an Anorexic

The alarm goes off. I hear the ever so lovely sound of the bleeeeeep, bleeeeeeep, bleeeeeeep repeating over and over telling me that it is time to get up. I get up out of bed and head straight to the bathroom and step right onto the scale. It tells me I weigh 142 lbs. Quick! I think to myself, "go pee!" Now that I've taken care of that business time to weigh again. I step onto the scale. It now tells me that I weigh 141.6 lbs. I am not at all pleased with this number (and yet it is the least I have weighed ever in my adult life). I run to the dresser and pull out the measuring tape. I get out my journal to log my weight and my measurements. I measure my chest, my waist, my hips, the right thigh, the left thigh, the right bicep, the left bicep, the right calf, the left calf. I write this all down in my journal proud that I have lost an 1/8" on my right thigh. That bugger won't bug! Time to take a shower. But first I'll weigh myself again. I step on the scale and this time it reads 141.6 lbs. Dang it! I was hoping it would be lower. When I'm in the shower I spend most of the time checking different parts of my body to see how much "fat" I still have on me to lose. Convinced I'm not thin enough just yet I commit myself to an hour long run after work. I get out of the shower and dry off. I'll weigh myself again just one more time. Still the same.

I head to work, concious all day long of everyone judging me for how "fat" I am. I do not eat much at all, big surprise right?! I come home after an 8 hour day at work. Jump into work out clothes and head out on a run. Disgusted with myself the whole time because today I ate croutons on my salad.

I'm done with my run and decide it's time to weigh myself yet again. 144 lbs. SHIT! I just went running. What the crap!?? It is decided. Tonight I will have half a grilled chicken breast with vegetables. Nothing else. When it's time to eat I end up giving half of my half of a chicken breast to my fiance along with half my veggies.

I'm angry. I'm full of self hate. I am pissed at myself for eating today. I can't believe that I had that soda at lunch. That's it. Tomorrow I'm eating egg whites for breakfast. Salad with no dressing and only vegetables for lunch and fat free cottage cheese for dinner. Once I have made this pact with myself I head for bed. Too tired to do anything else nor do I have any enthusiasm to do anything other than go to bed.

I lay in bed not able to sleep. Thinking about food, fat, calories, cellulite, working out and weight.

The next morning I wake up to the alarm clock blaring at me yet again. bleeeeep, bleeeeep, bleeeeep. I get up out of bed and head straight to the bathroom and step right onto the scale. etc, etc, etc.

Repeat as needed to become completely insane and totally anorexic.