I sleep a lot anymore. It just seems easier to sleep then to put energy towards actually living life. I get so exhausted by going out and doing things. I get so emotionally exhausted by having to make conversation. I don't spend time with a lot of people. I have a handful of close friends that I spend time with. These close friends I know care about me and enjoy spending time with me. I don't really understand why they like spending time with me. I don't see myself as someone others would want to spend time with. Yes, I know that is a negative statement but I don't really like spending time with myself so I wonder why anyone else would want to spend time with me.
That is telling isn't it? The fact that spending time by myself is so difficult for me and yet I spend a majority of my time alone, by myself. It's not that I hate myself. It's not that I don't think I'm a cool person. It's that I have such a lack of motivation to want to do anything. And yes, I do mean ANYTHING. The last time I took a shower was on Thursday. Today is Sunday and I could really care less if I showered today. It's not that I don't want to be clean. It's not that I don't know that it wouldn't feel amazing to take a hot shower. It's that I think, "what is the point? I'm going to have to take another shower tomorrow." And for some reason that thought in itself exhausts me.
Exhaustion seems to run my life right now. Hence, why I rarely do anything. And yes I mean, rarely do anything.
I've had this entire weekend off. My roommate has been gone this entire weekend. I have had the whole house to myself. I have had the chance to do yoga and zumba in the living room. I have had the chance to invite friends over for a movie night. I have had the chance to clean my room and make it feel more like my bedroom rather than just a room I sleep in. But I've done none of that. I have opted to sit in the living room filling my brain with tv and movies. It's easier on me mentally to be fed what to think then to face the reality of what it is I'm actually dealing with.
I'm dealing with depression. Medically diagnosed severe clinical depression. This is no surprise to those of you who have followed my blog or my life. (I still think it odd that there are people who are interested enough in me to read about my life.) What really confuses me is I have no idea why the depression is harder to deal with lately. Why it has become a more ruling factor over my life.
I don't want it to be this way. I do not want to spend the rest of my life fighting this blasted disease. Just like I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting my eating disorder. And I'm struggling with both lately.
I have gained a lot of weight these past two years. I want to live a healthy life. I want to be active and feel good about running up a flight of stairs. I want to embrace the beautiful woman that I am instead of constantly shunning away from the person I could be.
The problem is, I don't know where to start. I feel like I'm stuck at the end of recovery and the beginning of healing. I've overcome what I thought was the most difficult part only now to realize that perhaps the most difficult part is finally dealing with those things that keep me in pain.
I know that people will read this and think "oh jeez Tamara, stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You have a great life and are very lucky." I am not denying that. I do have what appears to be a good life. What I don't have is the energy to understand how to move forward from being in pain to embracing life again and all that I used to love to do.
So I sit. And I think. Even when being fed the stream of media, my brain still thinks. Whether I want it to or not, my brain still thinks. And it ponders how to get out of this depression. That constant thinking is what exhausts me so much. The ever persistant thought process of ignoring the pain and masking it for others.
That's why I sleep a lot. Well, that's why I try to sleep a lot. The never ending thinking tends to hamper the ability to even do that.
It's exhausting, I tell you. Just plain exhausting.
sigh
