In all honesty I don't want to know what I weigh. I will be completely happy if I never ever know what I weigh ever again. But there is a nagging inside me that continues to wonder how much I weigh. There is a part of me that wants to know what that number on the scale would say. And I know why. This time of year is the time of year of diets, losing weight and getting in shape for swimsuit season. Without knowing what I weigh I have absolutely no idea how many pounds I need to lose before I'm good enough to be seen in shorts or let alone a swimsuit. Without knowing this number I have to no focus on what I need to weigh to be "healthy".
I reread that last sentence and I'm shaking my head at the insanity of it. Where in the world does it say that there is a specific number that lets a person know when they are healthy?
Well I'll tell you a secret, there is no magic number.
Sure a person can pick a number out of thin air, push themselves to over-workout, eat less and less and eventually achieve this magical number but will they be happier, better and more content with themselves if they reach this number? I tell you from experience, absolutely not.
If you can't be happy with yourself as you are then you won't be happy with yourself 5, 10, 20 pounds from now either.
Contentment for yourself comes from inside. It comes from focusing on what really matters in life. Spending time with family, enjoying the little moments in life that many people take for granted, traveling and so many other experiences that are out there for the taking. These are the things that matter in life. The number on a scale matters so very little.
And yet, I made this the number one thing in my life for so very long. I always knew what I weighed, how many pounds I had to go before I got to the goal weight I wanted to get to. Did I ever get to that goal weight? No. Every time I reached a goal weight, I would set a new and lower goal weight. I never was satisfied with what I looked like. I always had more weight to less.
And now that I don't have a scale to weigh myself I don't fall into this roller coaster of weight loss. I no longer find myself over obsessing about what I ate because it'll show up on the scale. I focus on the conversation during the meal, not the food itself.
So why do I sit here wondering what I weigh? Why am I sitting here actually contemplating buying another scale? Why would I spend money on an inanimate object that causes me so much pain? Because there is a thrill rush in knowing that I'm losing weight. There is a calming effect in knowing that I have "control" over my weight. That last sentence is laughable because I know that I'm not the one in control. ED becomes the one in control. ED so quickly senses my weaknesses and will attach itself to me so very quickly.
So, while I may feel a pull to weigh myself or buy a new scale, I won't. The mystery of what I weigh will remain just that, a mystery. I will continue to redirect my thoughts. Every time I think, "what do I weigh?" I will change the sentence to "what can I accomplish today?"
I thought that by now I wouldn't experience these obsessive thoughts anymore. But I suppose that is why this is called a disease. The symptoms take a long time to disappear. I'm just grateful I don't experience the symptoms as often as I did before entering treatment.
I can't go back to that insanity. I won't go back to that insanity. I won't.
Now, what can I accomplish today?
