Epiphany

I am at work. There is a lull in customers coming in so I have a few minutes to stand and people watch. People watching is one of my favorite hobbies. (Can it even be considered a hobby?) As I stand there people watching I slowly realize that I am silently comparing each and every one of them. My thoughts go like this: "She's thin.", "Wow, she is a bit heavy.", "She's beautiful but not at all thin." At the very moment it dawns on me. No, that is too passive of a statement, it's more like I am hit over the head with a ton of bricks. This epiphany explodes out of no where and slams all other thoughts down for the count. I am all at once overwhelmed, startled, humbled and humored by this thought that I am having.

For as long as I can remember I have strived to achieve what I have thought as "normal". "Normal" being what I have seen portrayed in movies, magazines and tv shows. "Normal" being what models and movie stars look like, ie. thin as a rail. As I look at this woman who is beautiful, no more like absolutely stunning, but in now way thin, I realize that what I have strived for my whole life, this "normal" that I thought I had to be really isn't normal at all. I realize that the woman I am starting at is normal. I realize that I am normal. I realize that for my entire life I have fought to reach this goal of unattainable beauty. This idea that beauty means that you are super skinny thin. This isn't so. Beauty like that is unattainable for a reason. That reason being that not everyone is supposed to look like that.

The epiphany that I have is that I don't need to strive to reach that idea of "beauty" that I see on the cover of a magazine because that person on that magazine is not me. I do not need to be like her because I am me. I am the most perfect me I can be because I am who I am. (Now I sound like Popeye) However, this statement is very true. Why have I pushed myself to believe that I need to look like someone else when who I am is more than good enough just as I am? Because every where you turn there is something telling us that we need to be thinner, smaller, younger and prettier.

Well, I don't need to listen to the lies that I'm not good enough exactly as I am. I was made this way for a reason. I was made this way because there is beauty in being different. There is a mystery to being unique. I still have a ways to go before I look in the mirror and can say I love what I see. I'm just like every one else in that matter. We all have issues with how we look. But I can say this, I'm no longer going to strive to look as thin or beautiful as someone else, because that's not possible. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to look back on my life and know that who I was really mattered. I never want to be remembered for what my body looks like. I want to be remembered for my character, my personality and for what I have contributed to society.

An epiphany indeed. What a lovely one to have. How lucky am I to have been able to realize in my life time that I am more than perfect just as I am. Who am I to try to be someone different. I will never disrespect myself again by believing I need to be like someone else. Instead, I am going to embrace my uniqueness and my differences. I will be proud that I do not look like someone else. I will be proud to look like me.

Synopsis

(This is my synopsis for my last day in my eating disorder treatment program. For confidentiality purposes the names have been changed.)

It is 6:38pm on the night before my discharge from treatment and I’m at a loss for words. I’m sitting here trying to come up with the right words to say regarding my experience while in treatment. Yet nothing I write seems to be able to capture exactly what I want to say because what I have gone through is so huge that words don’t seem to be enough to express all that I have to say.

As I write this I find myself crying. The tears have automatically started and just won’t stop. The feelings I have regarding this experience are too enormous to keep inside. I am realizing, right now at this very moment, not that I have changed but just how much I have changed. When I entered this program 7 weeks ago I was filled with anger, self-loathing and anxiety. Today I am leaving filled with joy, self-love and tranquility. I am no longer fighting off the tears and striking out in anger. I am allowing the tears to flow down my face and streak my cheeks with mascara. It is an odd sensation for me still, to cry, but one that I am welcoming with open arms.

This experience has been transformative for me. I feel like I have gone through my adolescence all over again. Not only was I relearning how to eat but I was learning how to appropriately manage feelings and emotions. I am thankful for the former but ever so grateful for the latter. As we all know, it was never about the food it was about using the food as a means to get rid of feeling emotions. I no longer want to be free of emotion or to be angry all the time. I now embrace emotions with open arms.

Tracy, thank you for being so real and true to yourself. Seeing that from you helped me learn that I’m capable of the same. I learned from you the only way I was going to get better was if I was not only honest to every here but also honest with myself.

Felicia, I feel so lucky to have gained your friendship. Thank you so much for all the talks and for being a true understanding friend.

Maria, thank you for being so honest and vocal during groups. I have learned so much from hearing you speak up. I wish you much success in your future.

Nora, I realize I barely know you, but I want to thank you for teaching me that my words make a bigger impact on others than I ever thought they did. I have learned to not carelessly throw words around without thinking of their affect on others. For that I thank you.

Dr. Horton, thank you for listening to me as I rambled on and on about being in pain and having insomnia. I cannot thank you enough for prescribing me that little green pill that has provided me with the wondrous gift of sleep.

Maureen, I remember the day you said to me, “So what’s keeping you in that chair? You’re an adult. You can get up and leave anytime you want.” You saw the truth in me. The truth that I didn’t want to leave. It was those words that helped me to realize that deep down inside I knew I was worth it to get better. Thank you for your patience, honesty and wisdom. I have learned a tremendous amount from you. There are many things that you have said during my time here that will always stay close to my heart.

Steve, thank you so much for listening, for being available to meet with me all those times I needed to. I was a bit scared to change therapists mid stream but was relieved to find out that it was just as easy for me to talk to you as it was for me to talk to Marie. For the record, you make an excellent stand in for Marie.

Marie, I don’t even know what to say. How can I thank someone who has made such a dramatic impact on my life as you have made on mine? All I can think of to say is thank you. I wish I could do so much more to express to you the amount of gratitude I have for you. The self discoveries I made during our sessions together are the cornerstone behind helping me to transform into this healthy person that I’m becoming. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your wisdom. Just, thank you.

My sister. You have been there for me my whole life. Yes we have had our ups and downs, but what relationship hasn’t. The fact that no matter what happens, we are able to still laugh and have fun together is what truly matters. Thank you for injecting humor into my life even when I didn’t want it.

My Ma, thank you for giving up a piece of your life to come live with us during my first week here in treatment. I do not know how I would have gotten through that first week with out you. I am so lucky to have such a strong, understanding and caring woman in my life. I’m very proud to be able to call you my Ma. My Pa, thank you for supporting me through this experience. I am so thankful to have you in my life.

My love, what in the world would I ever do without you? Lucky for me I will never need to find out the answer to that question. You truly are my rock. Saying thank you for all you have done for me truly will never be enough to let you know how much I appreciate all you have done. You have truly seen me at my very worst and yet you have loved me through it all. Even when I didn’t love myself you loved me enough for the both of us. I think back to that day, which is one of the worst days in my life. On that day I thought you were truly out to get me. Now that I look back on it I realize that you did all that you did because of how much you love me. For that I am forever grateful.

I no longer view food as the enemy, as I once did. Instead I view it as fuel to keep my body healthy and nourished. I won’t say that I have reached the point that I look forward to meals yet, but I also know that someday that day will come.

I no longer view my body as disgusting and something I should be ashamed of. I won’t say that I have reached the point of loving what I see when I look in the mirror but I can say that I’m able to appreciate my body for being healthy enough to do all the things it does for me as well as allowing me to do all the things I want to do.

I no longer care what other people think of me. I won’t say that I’ve reached the point of never giving what other people think a second thought, but I can say that I no longer allow what they might think of me to determine how I live my life.

I no longer hate myself. I won’t say that I have reached the point of perfect self-love, show me one person who has, but I can say that I love who I am and who I am becoming. I no longer view my worth as being associated to a number or a size. Instead I know that my worth comes from who I am and what I am able to accomplish. And I have a feeling I’m going to accomplish a lot with this life.

Healing

I am healing. I have realized that this is a slow process especially considering that I have been building these injuries for several years. These injuries are not apparent to the eye, they are not physical injuries. No, these injuries are far worse. These injuries are emotional, mental and psychological. I'm not proud that I have allowed these injuries to accrue over time. I can only imagine how deep the scar tissue will be once they heal, but heal they must. I will no longer allow myself to suffer in these wounds that keep me trapped, keep me from moving forward in my life.

My life. It is interesting to view my life through the eyes that I now have, instead of the clouded eyes that I have been used to in the past. My life used to be filled with fear of the "what ifs", the "shouldn'ts" and the "not good enoughs". Now my life is filled with the possibilities of what can be, what could be and what will be. I now believe that I have the ability to accomplish anything with this life. No longer will I allow fear to keep me trapped from growing, from moving forward or from living life to the fullest.

I think of my grandmother, she was an independent and strong woman who never allowed the doubts of others stop her from what she wanted to accomplish. My grandmother accomplished so much in her life that she has left a legacy in her part of Alaska. She never intended to leave a legacy behind her. She never set out to do something so that she would be remembered for doing it, she simply did it because she wanted to do it. My grandmother taught me many valuable lessons but I think one of the most valuable things she ever taught me was not spoken in words but spoken in actions. When she set out to do something she accomplished it and when she did so she did by fully investing herself in the project.

Yes, I'm healing a great deal right now. This trip home is doing me a world of good. I know that I still have a long road to recovery before I am fully healed. Of course, there is always the possibility that I will never be fully healed but one thing I know for sure is that the hole that has been gaping for so long in my heart, the hole that I so desperately tried to fill up with food, is a bit smaller than it was before I began this trip.

I have a feeling that if I continue to look inward and reflect on who I am and where I want to go that hole may just disappear entirely. Here's hoping.

Sitting on the Sidelines

Sitting in my red leather chair, I stare out the window and look upon the world that exists beyond. The sun is rising behind the clouds. The trees are starting to take on the colors of fall. The birds are flitting to the feeder for food. The world is busy while I sit in my red leather chair watching it all.

I begin to think about how often I have found myself just sitting, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the moment when I am compelled to stop idly watching life and begin to become an active participant in the world around me. Too often have I made excuses for not engaging in a social activity because of my fear. Too often have I talked myself out of an audition due to possibly being rejected for the part. Too often have I made myself feel "not good enough" and therefore have denied myself to live life. Instead I sit on the sidelines, watch other people achieve their goals, thinking to myself, "I wish that were me."

What is it that propels me to think that I'm not good enough to participate in life? Why is it that I waste the days away as if I have thousands more to live before I actually start living? Why do I allow myself to focus on the negative of what might happen instead of looking at the positive?

I wish I was brave enough to look at the world and exclaim, "Test me all you want but I'm going to follow my dreams no matter what life throws at me!" Instead I fear it may come out as a whisper and no one would hear it at all. Or worse. Someone would hear my meek, fearful protest and laugh at the self doubt that entangles it. Pointing at me while they snicker because they know that I'm too weak to stand up for myself.

Then again, what do I care if other people laugh at me behind their backs. What does that matter to me? Nothing that anyone else thinks of me should ever matter. I should never bring into consideration what others think of me when making decisions in my life. Yet, I do. I long for the approval of others. I desire to have others view me as being "right". More than anything, I want to belong, to fit in. To be accepted as I am.

I have never felt accepted as who I am. However, looking back, I have never really shown who I am to anyone. No wonder I've never been accepted. How can one be accepted for who they are when they never show the world their true self? How can one be liked for being themselves when even they don't like who they see in the mirror? In essence, they can't.

So...I've decided to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm going to show the world who I really am. No more mask to hide behind. No more wall to hold back my feelings. No more facade to play. In fact, if you look at it like that, I'm one of the greatest actresses there ever was. Or the worst. In truth, I don't think I was fooling anyone with my act of "having it together." It's amazing how easily one can fool themselves.

From this day on I will be creative instead of passive. I will take chances instead of sitting on the sidelines. I will be bold instead of meek. I will be passionate instead of angry.

I want to achieve happiness in my life, not success. For too long I have strived for success to make me happy. Sadly that is not how it works. Instead I will strive for happiness. In happiness I will find success. I will keep a Buddhist saying close to my heart. "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing you will be successful." Buddha, he's one smart cookie.

Ok world, I'm ready for ya! Bring on the worst you've got. I have a feeling that no matter what I face, as long as I face it with truth, conviction and sincerity I'll have a better life than never facing it at all.

Red leather chair, I love you so, but it's time for me to stop sitting. It's time for me to start doing. To start living. Living...hmmm...I wonder what that's like? No better time to find out than now. Watch out world, here I come. I hope you're ready for me!

Tamara and Benji Round 2 & 3

I open the bathroom cupboard and take the scale out of it's hiding place. I hide it to try and conceal it's power over me. Yet that power is so strong that I continue to use it on a daily basis, even though it has never said a positive word to me or has ever given me any good news, I still use it. I have never once liked what it has told me. In fact I don't even really like the scale itself. I hate the relationship we have. I am so codependent on it. Without it I feel out of control, with it I feel inferior and worthless. This is not a fun way to feel about oneself.

I place the scale on the floor. I stare at it. Actually it is more like a glare. I hate the sight of this thing, this plastic, metal, electrical contraption that was invented just to torture me. I pick up my right foot to step on the scale. My foot is clothed with a sock, the rest of me is clothed as well...jeans, t-shirt, hoodie, bra, underwear, earrings and ring. As I pause with my right foot an inch from the ground I start calculating in my head the weight of all that I am wearing. The anxiety starts. That all too familiar feeling of panic, worthlessness and confusion. I say to myself, "It's allright. I will weigh myself clothed and then I'll get undressed and weigh myself again because it won't be accurate if I weigh myself fully clothed." No one stops me to get me to realize that there is no point in weighing myself at all because I won't like what I see no matter what I do.

I start to move my right foot towards the scale and stop. I can't do it. I think, "I've already eaten breakfast today. It won't tell me my real weight because I still have the weight of what I've eaten today to weigh me down. Plus, I have to go to the bathroom. I need to rid myself of that before weighing myself."

I put my right foot back down on the ground.

I sit down on the side of the tub. Exhausted, drained from this mental battle. A battle that I face on a daily basis. A battle that happens daily due to this piece of plastic holding it's power over me. I lower my head. My hands reach up to catch the weight of it. I sit there, alone, in the bathroom, struggling to make sense of my inner struggle. I think to myself, "Why do I do this? Who in their right mind weighs themselves so excessively? Who, but me, puts all of their self worth into a scale?"

I realize right then and there that I cannot continue this way any longer. I know what I must do. I must kill it. I stand up, filled with conviction. I pick up that scale and walk outside. I place it on the concrete walkway. I see the mallet resting against the house, the mallet that Casey used the other day. I pick up that mallet. I feel it's weight in my arms. It gives me power that I didn't know I had.

In a voice, aloud for all the world to hear I proclaim to the scale, "I no longer allow you to have power over me. I release myself from your negativity. I do not want you in my life. I free myself from your power."

I pick up that mallet and slam it down on the scale with all my might. The scale barely gets a dent in it. "You're gonna take the hard way, huh?" I say to the scale with a sneer. I pick up that mallet again, swing down with more strength then I ever knew I had. The mallet makes contact with the scale and creates a gaping hole right in the middle of it. I smile. I am killing it. That thought makes me happy. I swing down again, and again, and again until all that is left of it is bits and pieces of plastic. I am heaving from the work. But I'm also smiling. I am feeling freer than I have ever felt in my entire life. I look up at the sky and watch the clouds as they pass. I sense that I have accomplished something great just now, other than just destroying a scale, but not sure what that "great" thing is just yet.

I look back down and see that the scale is still there, laying all over the back porch in smithereens. Time to rid myself completely of this evil beast. I gather all the pieces up in a dust pan. I walk triumphantly to the garbage can and toss what used to be the scale into the garbage can. I can hardly wait until Monday when the garbage men come to take it away from me forever. I walk back into the house, back to the bathroom and it is there that I realize what the "great" thing is that I accomplished.

I have rid Benji, my eating disorder, of it's most powerful weapon over me. It no longer has this scale in it's artillery. I feel vindicated. I think, "what other weapons can I get ride of?"

I rush to the closet. I see the "skinny" clothes hanging there. The "skinny" clothes from when I was anorexic. I no longer think of them as "skinny" clothes but as my "sick" clothes. I rip them from their hangers, tear them out of the drawers. I shove all of them in a garbage sack. I rid myself of their negative power of me. They no longer get to tell me every morning, "Look how fat you are. You're so fat that you can't fit into us anymore. Don't eat! That's how you'll get us back." I don't care about getting them back. Sure I was skinny when I fit in them, but at what cost? The cost of losing my hair? The cost of looking ashen and hollow? If that's what it is to be "skinny" then I was certainly fooling myself.

I know I must carry this mound of clothing to the garbage can. It's a heavy load to carry, but knowing that I'm throwing them away gives me the strength I need to continue. Once I pick them up I realize that they aren't as heavy as I thought them to be. Out of the house I walk and into the can they go. They rest atop the shards of the scale.

Benji is down another piece of ammo.

I walk back to the house, I am triumphant. I have won not only 1 battle today but 2. I know that I am better than what those material things told me I was. I have a womanly figure that is attractive and beautiful. I now realize that a size cannot make me feel beautiful, that a number on a scale does not signify my self worth. There is only one person that can make me feel beautiful. Who is that person you ask? Only yours truly...myself.

I have a long road to go yet until this war is won. Knowing that I have the power inside me to create my own happiness is all the ammo I need to defeat Benji. He's going down. He's getting weaker.

And every day I'm getting stronger.

Tamara 3/Benji 0

A Lightbulb Moment

It was Thursday morning and I was taking a bath. It has become a new ritual for me while I'm taking a bath to repeat a daily affirmation to myself. Thursday's was "I love myself". Not an easy affirmation to believe when one has been so self loathing as I have been recently. While I was repeating this affirmation to myself of self love I had what one of my therapists calls a "light bulb moment".

This moment was such a blow to the head that I literally heard myself gasp in the bathroom. It echoed off the bathroom walls as if the moment itself became an affirmation. I was at once amazed and awed by this new self discovery. First I had to stop for just a minute. Calm myself down. I had to reason myself out of this new idea. Could this really be true? I began to think of all the things that I have done in the past 2 1/2 weeks.

I realized that I needed to go to treatment. I went to get an assessment to see if this treatment would be good for me. When it was decided that it would be I started going to treatment. I have worked hard during my treatment days to end this eating disorder. I have begun to bring these new concepts I'm learning into my home environment so that I can work on them at home. I work everyday to stop all the destructive behaviors I have such as: negative self talk, staring in the mirror and checking myself constantly to make sure I don't look gross (even though I always came to the conclusion that I did). I have reached out to family and friends for support.

Why would I do these things? What is the point behind all of this hard work? The answer is what slapped me upside the head. The answer is because...

I really do love myself!

Why else would I be making changes to better myself and have a better life? I can't believe that I have fooled myself into thinking that I don't love myself when all along I really did. This will be a new way of life for me. Instead of not doing things because I don't matter anyway, I will be doing things because I'm worth the effort. I am a person that is valuable. At least I'm valuable to me and in the long run I'm the only person that needs to believe that. What other people think of me is none of my business.

What an amazing, unique, foreign and lovely concept.

I love myself.

This is going to be a good way to live life.

Sugar and self doubt

I'm 33 years old. I graduated high school when I was 18, that was 15 years ago. I look back on those 15 years for accomplishments that I have achieved. Sadly, I don't see very many. This is a true indication of how I have not been living my life to the fullest. I keep waiting to achieve things until I am perfect enough. As if being perfect has anything to do with how successful one can become. Yet, I have allowed this one thing to consume my life. I have allowed myself to become so focused on becoming "perfect" that I don't have any real passion for life.

My days are filled with sitting around, watching tv, stuffing my face with food and waiting for that miraculous event to come and hit me over the head. It is difficult for me to plan to be away from home for any length of time because I might be gone too long and then where will I be able to binge. I have declined many offers to go to movies, parties, gatherings and such because I didn't want to leave the safety of my house and the solitude of being able to eat alone. If I ate alone I wouldn't be judge. Little did I know that I was being judged all along by those I declined to do things with. These people were confused because they saw a confident girl who enjoys laughing and they couldn't understand why I didn't want to go out and have fun.

The confidence thing has always confused me. I have been told that I appear to be a very confident person. Man, I have been able to pull the wool over a many pair of eyes! I am so very opposite of confident that the word to describe me should be self-conscious. In fact I am so self-conscious I might as well be artificial. At least that's how I feel. It's like fake sugar, it tastes like real sugar, looks like real sugar but is so far away from what real sugar really is that it's amazing.

The artificial me has built up a wall of protection but this last week that wall was broken down. In all honesty, I have tried to build the wall back up but it cannot ever compare to the structure it once was. So...I have left it to lay in it's own crumbles. Instead of Humpty Dumpty not being put together again, my wall of artificial sweetener has not been put back together again. I must say that I miss it. However, I realize how uncomfortable it made me at the same time.

So how do I get from this self-conscious, newly exposed girl to a confident and self assured woman? Will I become this way over time as I experience new adventures? I'm not sure. What I do know is that I'm done waiting to be "perfect" to start living life. Perfect is unattainable. What does perfect even look like? Who cares! I don't want to be perfect anyway. I want to be myself, that includes all of my feelings, all of my flaws and all of my positive attributes as well. I have decided that if someone doesn't like me, as I truly am, then screw 'em. They weren't meant to be my friend anyway. I am no longer going to hide behind a saccharine wall just so someone will like me, just so I can wait around to be able to do something.

This imperfect woman is going to begin living her life, today. I will no longer sit on the side lines watching the game with nachos in my hands. I will instead be the one in the game. To win this game it will take blood, sweat and probably quite a few tears. It is a dream of mine now not to look back at my life and still see an unhappy girl stuck in a wall of perfection constructed out of self doubt but instead to see a confident, self assured, imperfect woman baring it all to the world with a steady line of accomplishments behind her.