As I was driving to work this morning a thought crossed my mind. "I don't really have a passion for anything anymore." And I don't.
I mean, I love dogs and seeing them get rescued from a shelter brings tears to my eyes. I love seeing their happy tails wag back and forth when they are out on a walk. I adore seeing an elated pup bounding down the beach. It pains me to know that there are so many who suffer but I'm not volunteering anywhere. I don't care quite enough about it to actually go out and do something about it.
I love theatre. In fact, I got my degree in theatre. I adore the creative process behind putting on a show. I enjoy figuring out the minutiae of costumes, sets, colors, lights, sound and then seeing it all together on stage. There is a rush I get from knowing it is opening night and knowing that tonight's performance will never be replicated because it's live theatre. But I'm not auditioning for anything. I'm not looking for stage managing opportunities. I don't want to do it badly enough to go out and do something about it.
I adore makeup. The shades available to play with to create different looks based off moods and emotions intrigue me. I know I'd be an amazing makeup artist. I know I could rock some socks off being the go to gal for new eye look tutorials on Youtube. But I'm not doing anything about it.
And that last sentence seems to sum up my life right now. I'm just not doing anything about it. About any of it. I'm just letting my life pass me by as I sit beside it. I'm too tired to do anything about it. I'm exhausted. all. the. time. There isn't any energy left to have passion for life. I'm lucky I can get through the day at work unscathed by the monotony and the fluorescent lights.
Work. Oh, God. That's an entirely different subject completely. One that I don't have energy to get into right now.
Don't get me wrong. I want to have passion in life. I want to wake up excited with my feet ready to hit the ground running. I long for that. The question is how do I get there from here? How does one find a passion for life when one is too tired to go looking for it? Where do I start?
The first thought that comes to mind is to quit my job. It is soul sucking. It is energy depleting. It is devoid of reward or inward gain. It pays the bills. Am I willing to continue to endure this mind numbing job just so I can pay some bills? However, if I quit this job then I'm back where I was 2 years ago. Jobless. Which seems frightening but also liberating.
I need something to move me forward. I need something to ignite my passion. I need someone to slap me and tell me to "snap out of it" ala Cher in Moonstruck. The thing is though is that I know it isn't up to someone else to snap me out of anything.
I'm the only one that can figure out my passion. I just don't' know how to do that quite yet.
