Breakfast. It is the one meal I have always eaten. Through the eating disorder and through the stress and through all the strife, it is the one meal I never allowed myself to skip. Granted sometimes breakfast was only one little old egg white, but I still ate it. I prided myself on eating breakfast. It was what kept me thinking "I don't have an eating disorder" for as long as I did.
Lately though I have no interest in breakfast. I'm not hungry for it. Nothing sounds good. Nothing tastes good. Consuming anything I cook or make for myself for breakfast is difficult at best. Most days it is a struggle to finish it. I eat a few bites, put my fork down and I don't want it eat anymore of it. Sometimes I try to finish it, sometimes I don't and sometimes I actually do finish it. The latter is the rarity anymore.
At first I became very concerned with the fact that I wasn't interested in breakfast anymore. "Am I regressing to old patterns?" Well, no I'm not. I've always eaten breakfast. "Am I going to starve myself?" No, because I am eating other meals. "Am I heading back down the road of having an active eating disorder." My answer to that one was, "I don't know." Which scares the hell out of me.
I have assured everyone I know that this lack of interest in breakfast is not serious and not related to an eating disorder at all. But honestly, I'm not so sure. I have had a ton of stress enter my life these last few months. The kind of stress like I've never faced in my before. Divorce, moving several times, unknowingly living with a drug dealer, being with out home and not having a source of income. Any of those alone can cause stress. I look at all of them together and wonder how I haven't had a mental breakdown.
That is why I wonder if ED is trying to use this mega stress overload as a way to grip me back into his clutches. I've had so much stress lately that perhaps I am too weak to have the strength to keep ED at bay. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to go down that road again. But I never intended to go down that road in the first place.
Here is what I do know. I have fabulous friends. In fact, I have more people that care about me than I ever thought possible. So I know I have friends to lean on. I have the tools now to defeat this before it gets too big. And I have the knowledge of my past and what it was like for me to ever want to go there again.
And I know this as well. I am aware of what is going on right now. I am aware that I want to skip meals. I am aware that nothing tastes good anymore. (that has always been the sure fire way for me to tell when it's kicking in.) When food starts to taste that saw dust I know I need to wake up and ask for help.
Here's the thing to all my friends reading this who may be concerned. I am very open about this disease. So your comments, questions and thoughts are welcomed. Please feel free to share whatever it is you feel like sharing with me. I just ask that you remain respectful and kind in your comments. I'm posting this more as an accountability thing on my part than to alarm any of you.
Now, off to find lunch. I just hope it doesn't taste like saw dust.
